“Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will shew to you today.” (Exodus 14:13)
I’m currently sitting on an airplane. My husband and I are travelling towards home where three anxious little boys are waiting. I’m sure they are fidgeting. They haven’t seen their daddy in 3 months. They are toddlers so still is not a word that describes them. They aren’t the only ones though. As I lay against Adam, trying to sleep, I can feel him fidget. I feel his fingers involuntarily press against my back. I feel him move in his seat. I can feel him fidget. Out of excitement? Nerves? Discomfort? Perhaps!
This week is a big week for our family. It was decision week. After three months of daddy gone, it was time to decide whether we continue this geographical separation because of work, or we move our kids. We change our life. Let me tell you, I did some fidgeting. I was nervous about this move. Plus, I was without my kids — which automatically can make me feel lost. I leave the television on to make up for the noise, I refold laundry because my hands aren’t moving, and I wipe and re-wipe clean counters. I fidgeted. There was very little peace in my heart for this move.
While visiting our potential new location, I visited schools, parks, playgrounds, the recreation center, and the parent information center. I walked the trails and neighborhoods. I checked out the stores, dining possibilities, and date night ideas. I posted on Facebook groups for information. I kijiji’d it all.
Then I read a text. Did you check out Adam’s church? Ummm…. No. I had put it off. I checked my list and church was at the bottom. What a reality check! Why wasn’t it at the top? I wasn’t fidgeting. I didn’t have the answer. I was still. I was wrong. I had put all my effort into the lifestyle and culture of this new place but none into the church.
I put the address into the GPS and headed off to the church Adam was attending. It was late in the day (and during the week) so I didn’t expect much. I come from a small church. We don’t have staff there. We run programs and the people are amazing but late in the day during the week, it’s hit or miss if you see the pastor. I was greeted by the receptionist. I said I was a mom of three little boys and wanted some information about the church.
As I was speaking, the children’s minister walked through the door. She gave me a tour throughout. She showed me every classroom. She went into detail on every program. She gave me all the pamphlets. She spoke about the church vision for the kids, speaking life into them, and teaching them to live the Bible. And then it happened. My heart was still. I thanked her and headed out to my car. I called my sister in law and started telling her about this church. It came out in a rush and I don’t even know if she understood half of what I was saying but I’m sure she could tell I was excited.
So we fast forward two days and now I am on an airplane. My husband is stroking my hair as I lean against him. My heart is not settled, and again my mind is racing with all the possibilities. My thoughts are everywhere. What will my family think? What about my friends? What about my kids? Am I right? Am I wrong? What about the schools, crime, hospitals, jobs, transportation, parks, playgrounds, recreation….? The list just kept growing.
We made the moving budget earlier in the flight. In 4 hours, I will be home. I will be hugging little boys who missed me. I will be seeing tears of joy when they see daddy. So much running through my head. So much so that in came the doubt. I started to fidget. I get anxious. It’s been a long time but I felt it building. The doubts became too big. The finances of making this move happen invaded me. All the information I had collected felt like a weight. I shut my eyes and felt overwhelmed. Then I felt the hand of the Lord over me. “Be still.”
I had forgotten about the peace in my heart when I left that church. I forgot about the joy I felt this morning that had been missing for a long time as we drove to the airport. Our heads bopping to the Christian radio. Be still, God said. Don’t be anxious. He’s got this covered. He has me covered.
For all my failures, mistakes, and trials, I felt it. My husband feels it all the time. He is so good at the stillness. He prays. I rush. He reads the Bible. I sing. He loves and I put the details together. We work on it together. We showed each other a lot in the past three days. He demonstrated to me a lot of positive changes and I put effort into loving. Like every relationship, there have been frustrations, tears, and hurt but this time, there was also happiness, joy, and love.
But best of all, there is peace. There is rest. There is agreement that we are making the right choices and we are still.