Choices Beyond Our Control
“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)
The most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make in my life is to put my faith in complete strangers regarding my family. The decision is whether my family can ever increase beyond the current family of three. Last spring, my husband and I decided to look into becoming foster parents. After months of meetings, we decided that our family wasn’t going to work within the criteria and parameters of the program. As disappointing as it was, we knew that we still had options. We could look into adoption and/or we could discuss fertility treatments. I’m not sure why I have been unable to get pregnant, but after four years of trying (and four years of getting older) I think that door is closed. So adoption it is.
I knew going in that this would be a long process. But I really hoped that the months of notes about the very minute details of our lives (that were already on file from our foster parent process) would have sped up this process. However, it has not. I mailed our completed adoption application in February. We finally met with the intake workers in September. We have had a few meetings now and it seems that our lives are being dissected all over again.
The workers are great, and always polite but that is their job. I wonder if they get “us” as a couple??? I mean, I’m always friendly and pretty much an open book. My husband is much more reserved and not as open. I answer all their questions with lots of details. My hubby responds with as few words as possible. It doesn’t help that their questions are very intrusive.
Who are you? What do you see adoption as? Where are you from? Why are you wanting to adopt? When did you decide to adopt? How do you FEEL??? They want to know how I see everything. Does my husband feel the same way? How does my son feel about adoption? Each question invades each part of our lives — from how we grew up to our current relationships with others. How do we live … although I can honestly say, they have yet to ask what we eat or how often we shower — lol 😉
After 10 meetings, between the foster parent and adoption meetings, all ranging from 1-2 hours each, I’m not sure there are any details left that these complete strangers DON’T know about us. They have inspected my home, making sure I have as many safety measures in place as possible. they tested my water, spoke with our friends, made sure we are not criminals, and had our respective doctors give us a clean bill of health.
Still, it’s hard opening up my life … our lives while guarding my heart just in case the response isn’t what we yearn to hear. It’s tough worrying that maybe we aren’t good enough, or maybe there is something about us that doesn’t fit their unknown criteria. It scares me to think that if they say no, my dream for more children will be over.
But I’m trusting in God’s bigger plan. I can’t help but pray that His vision for my life is the same as mine. If it’s not His plan for us, I will certainly be heartbroken but I will still have faith that His plan for my life is what was intended even before I was formed in my mother’s womb.
Most of all, I am trusting for my Lord God and Saviour to put us as a family where He needs us to be. But deep in my heart, I am hoping that Jesus Christ is working through the adoption worker’s hearts (and notes)to finally give us the family I have dreamed about for almost my entire life.