I finally get it.
My adoption worker told me a couple of visits ago, that she was having a difficult time feeling my emotional connections to people and events in my life but most especially to my husband. I was taken aback, frustrated, and a bit weirded out. I’m the girl who cries at everything. I feel for things people don’t think about but when I am sad, lonely or hurt — once I’m done with it, it’s over. She only got to see the ‘over’ part. She never got to see everything that leads up to taking the necessary steps to move forward.

But what my worker wanted to hear me say was that I was angry. That indeed I had said things I didn’t mean. She wanted to hear about the pain, about the tears. But me? I didn’t understand what she was needing from me. One day, the answer came to me through music. (Not surprising, because often that is how God allows me to see things from a different perspective). At the time, I was listening to the Christian music channel on the television (as normal) and Phil Aud’s song ‘Preach to Me’ came on. I’ve heard the song many times before, and yes, it hurts my heart every time I hear the words, but this time, the music spoke into my very being.

For those who don’t know, the song starts with a young man taking his young family and following Jesus into ministry. It talks about his family growing up, being involved in church and then the unthinkable happens. His wife is diagnosed with disease and passes away. It talks about his struggle with faith but also he is curious that his congregation stays faithful.

He tries to pray, he tries to cry
But there’s no tears left in his eyes
His faith is feeling just as dry but the same as yesterday
Church attendance stays the same, he thinks about it ev’ry day
He feels just like a cast away, staring at the sea
One prayer left and so he prays, “You know this is my darkest days, so send somebody down my way cause I need someone … to preach to me …”

You see, when I hurt, I feel the same way, as if I am lost. It’s easy to be lost. It’s easy to forget that God is always there even when I don’t see Him. It’s easy when I remember to forget my journey. One day when I adopt, I will need to guide my “chosen” child through their loss. I will need to be strong and at the same time, weak. I need to be able to help them find that place, where they can find hope again, in their new family — through Jesus. My adoption worker needed to hear about my pain so she could make sure I could help a child through theirs.

The song shows the son’s struggles ….

At first that Sunday seemed just like the one before
Until the moment that his son walked through the door
the final prayer the final hymn the people left the lights were dimmed
and then his son walks up to him

Things haven’t been the same since the day mom passed away
I found it hard to trust and I found it hard to pray
But dad don’t give up on me, or God or faith or destiny
Or dreams you had at 23, cause you still preach to me

Oh, the tears run both of his cheeks
Oh, he searched for the right words, smiled and started to speak…
“son today you preached to me”

What he meant was this. God uses our darkest moments to reach out and make someone else’s dark world bright again. Thus, at my last meeting with my adoption worker, I explained the details. The darkness, the pain, the tears, and even anger. But I did not stop there. I explained the light that Jesus led me to, whereby I could feel safe and cuddled in the arms of my Saviour. My worker finally understands. I don’t hold the pain inside. Instead, I let it go, giving all my burdens to Jesus. He is sufficient. He is able to help me overcome.  I know my struggles will one day help guide a child through theirs … but I also know Jesus will hold my hand whatever comes my way 🙂

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