This week I had an appointment scheduled to get three teeth removed under anesthesia. I had booked the appointment the week before and was able to get in so quickly due to a cancellation. It’s probably a good thing that it was so quick because I was stressed about the whole thing. I am not a fan of the dentist on a good day but I have never been under anesthesia and I was worried about it.
From previous blogs you may know that I have a bit of anxiety that it has been known to overcome me. For a long time it has been kept at bay because I have learned to trust God with these things and I have found verses that help to alleviate my fears by focusing my thoughts on scripture. It only works, though, when I bring my thoughts back to scripture and this week I didn’t do that. I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something would.
I texted the nurses in my family for their opinion, checked with my sister who has been under anesthesia before, googled despite my best efforts to avoid google, and spoke my fears out loud to my husband. I tried to pray but my own fear was blocking me from doing that. Throughout the week, though, there was a song playing in my head called It is well. This isn’t the first time that God has spoken to me through song but it is the first time that I had misinterpreted the meaning.
The song that I thought had been playing through my head was written by Horatio G Spafford in 1873 after he had been through great trials. After losing much in the great Chicago fire he then lost his four children when their ship sunk a couple years later. The song is about how no matter what happened in life or death he would still praise God and it would be well with his soul. I felt like it was a message to me that I was to leave everything with God because something could happen and I had to believe that it would be okay.
I couldn’t do that though because it wasn’t well with my soul. It wasn’t okay with me that something could happen to me and I would not be around to raise my kids. To know that they would miss me. To know that I wouldn’t be there for them was not okay and there was no way that I could make it okay with my soul.
I struggled with this until one day late in the week as I was waiting for my boys to get off the bus when another portion of the song came to mind… So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name. This verse is not part of the Spafford version but part of the Bethel version. Bethel’s version is not about trusting when the battle has been lost, it is about trusting because the battle has been won.
Everything went great on Monday and other than the usual soreness that comes with extractions, I have been fine.
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
We need to trust God more. I needed to trust Him more that He would take care of me and my family. When Monday morning came and it was time to go I was no longer having thoughts that I might not come home that day because something could go wrong, instead my belief was that God would bring me home because He has designated me to take care of my family. He has purposed me to raise these four children to be Christian men and women and I rebuke any thought that tells me otherwise.
He has a purpose and a plan and we can believe in that wholeheartedly because it is well with my soul to trust in Him because the wind and waves still know His name!