Choosing hope

I got the phone call. I was hoping it was “THE” phone call I have been waiting for. I’ve never been through this process before. It has now been over a year since everything was finalized. So, I had hope. My adoption worker wanted to meet with us, along with another social worker. I was praying this was going to be the moment I had waited years for. But before I get your hopes up, it wasn’t.

I knew going in that the adoption process was long. It would take years, they said, but I’m not sure I was prepared for what this process really looks like, when it begins to unfold. Lots of meetings. Lots of scheduled meetings. Lots of unknowns. For those who don’t know, we started this journey when my son was still a young child. Now, he is talking about post secondary schools and driver’s education and career choices. Indeed, the age group of child that I wanted to adopt weren’t even born when we started this process!!!!
Thus, when we sat down for yet another meeting, I slowly realized that it wasn’t going to be the moment I had waited for. Instead, it was another round of ‘what if’ and ‘how much can you handle’ or ‘how will this impact your lives’ … a mirage of scenarios of trying to create imaginary kids with imaginary issues in my brain … to see if I could handle whatever might stick. Those who know me also recognize that I suck at imaginary…..so I don’t think this meeting went very well.
Still, even in this, I know God has a plan for me. And herein, I’m trusting (and I’m not afraid to admit it — very impatiently) in His plan so that a child longing for a family to love them can have their dream fulfilled. I know also that the Lord knows exactly what kids need to come into my life. He knows exactly what I can handle. He knows that my heart is big enough to handle more than I know.  I know He has perfect timing in EVERYTHING He does.
But honestly, I struggle with waiting. I struggle with trusting my adoption worker to know which child (or children) is/are the right one(s). I struggle with trusting myself to be patient, knowing that there is a blessing in the beyond.
In an ideal world, I could be like Stuart Little’s parents. I walk into an orphanage with an idea of what I want….and leave with the child (or children) who would be a perfect match for my family. In my head, it’s a little girl with big blue eyes and red hair, with a tiny shy smile….and a little boy with brown hair and hazel eyes, with a crooked smile. In my mind, they are siblings who need a lot of love and a good family and the security that life is more than being transitioned from foster home to foster home. That a forever home is available. And in all of this, I know there are children waiting patiently for me too within the adoption process.
I’m not sure of their ages but 3 and 5 sound about right. She likes dolls and painting her nails. He likes hockey and cuddles. Most of all, we fall in love with each other as a family.
When that much waited phone call finally comes, I know the process won’t be all rainbows and happiness. I fully expect nightmares and sleepless nights. I expect ups and downs as we get to know one another. I expect pain and frustration and tears because these little ones have not known trust within family. But I also know that love and stability and security and faith can overcome any shortfall. Yes, I have big dreams of watching ‘my’ kids grow up to be whatever they want to be, of letting them chase their dreams…..but first, I need to wait until the day God whispers in my adoption worker’s ear “those ones need Marion, Doug and Keagan. Those are the little darlings I’ve picked for them”. Until then, I will continue to wait….impatiently…but in full faith that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. All in His perfect timing:)
“Wait on the LORD. Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” (Psalms 27:14)

 

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