When I was 29, I had the best year ever. In fact, one would say that I was happy with everything in my life. I had most of what any single mom could ever ask for. Then I turned 30, and everything went downhill. For me, it was a tough year, one that culminated in many tears and heartache. But now, looking back, that year taught me more about myself than any year prior. So, on the last day of being 30, I wiped away my tears, put on my happy face, thanked God for all the good and bad, and celebrated with my friends. I promised myself I’d never cry again. Haha … but that promise was very short lived.
The next morning, as I was driving home a big chunk of ice flew out of a snowblower and smashed the windshield on the car. I promptly burst into tears.
Since then, I’ve cried many tears. Tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of laughter, tears from anger, tears from pain, tears because I was scared, and tears of relief. Each tear I’ve cried is a part of who I am. They stitch up the emotional part of me, the part of me I couldn’t change no matter how hard I willed it. When I vowed to never cry again, I knew that would be impossible (and yes, so did everyone else ;)) because emotion and feelings are who we are. I was never going to change.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed a lot. Hair dye has become my best friend because the grey hairs now outnumber the dark ones. Eye cream is now mandatory because it keeps the puffiness away. Sleep is something I always loved, but now it’s just better, and some days, the more the better. I tend to be less social now, but the people I hold dear to my heart are never far away. I enjoy my quiet time and even take solace in those moments by myself. Indeed, now I think of it as less of a punishment and more of a reward for good behaviour 😉
But who I am at the very core of me is still the same. I still cry at least once a week. I still let other people’s problems get the best of me. I still take things to heart that I should totally let go. I still battle with giving too much of me away. I still love the people who are most important.
On the eve of what’s technically my 40th birthday, I have a few hopes for the coming decade. I hope that I still cry, that I always love the people dearest to my heart. I hope I never get too old to laugh at the kids when they are being ridiculously crazy. I hope I never forget who I am and what makes me special. I hope that I will always want fun hair — even when my kid tells me hot pink chunks in my hair is not cool. I hope I never feel as old as the date on my birth certificate says I am. I pray for the phone call to come saying ‘we found the baby you need to adopt’. I pray that I stay healthy enough to enjoy every single day. I want to make sure I remember to put Jesus first, in everything I do….and to always be thankful for everything He has given me.
And although it is the eve of my 40th birthday, I’ve decided that until my youngest sister hits 39, I’m going to claim 39 as my own…..and continue to enjoy every single minute of the journey by faith 😉
James 1:17 – “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.”