No Caller ID

No Caller ID. That’s what my phone said when it rang yesterday. I was driving, I forgot to turn on my Bluetooth. I was trying to not panic, I was on a tight side street with no place to pull over. I didn’t want to let my hubby answer. I wanted the person answering to be me. So I answered on speaker phone and waited to hear those words. Instead, I heard a sweet voice say ‘hi, can I speak to Allie’.

It was a wrong number.  I was trying hard to stay calm. I just wanted to cry. My heart cracked just a bit more. My hope faltered…..because the ONLY time my phone says no caller ID is when my adoption worker calls. For years now, no caller ID calls have only been her.

Thus my assessment? This process SUCKS!!!!!!! Every day, I try to keep the waiting in the back of my mind. I try really hard to not let it take over my every thought.  It’s difficult for sure, especially when stories about abortion are all over social media. My thoughts are so tangled up — twirling in my brain like a tornado.

So much so, that one day last week I dreamed about tornadoes. Yep, tornadoes! I was in a house with lots of windows … my very large family spread out over its the various levels. All my nieces and nephews and my daycare kids — everyone laughing and doing their thing. But no one was looking outside. I was looking outside and could see the storm coming, but no one was paying attention to my ramblings that something was wrong. I remember seeing the tiny peaks form, one by one. Some got bigger, and some stayed small. Then, right before I woke up, I saw the huge black funnel barreling towards the house. I remember gathering as many kids as I could and running to a bedroom for cover. I woke up just as the tornado was about to hit.

As one can imagine, throughout, my heart was racing. The good news being that I realized something through my dream. My thoughts are inter-tangled with my hopes and my dreams, my fears and my doubts, and also, with my jealousy and desires. Please allow me to explain.

My siblings all have children. Indeed, each one has four (well the fourth is almost here for one family). I always wanted four kids. And I still want four children. Okay, let me rephrase that. I don’t just want children — my heart is desperate to have a home filled with kids. Some days, it feels like I hate that they all have what I wanted but moreover, I also hate that I feel this way. Most days though, I remember that there is a bigger picture — one from the Lord. One that I can’t see yet. Like Abraham (who was one hundred years old and his wife Sara who was ninety) I am confident that there is a story coming. There is a family that needs me as much as I need them.

How do I know? God’s plan is bigger than mine….so much bigger….and I just need to stay calm, worry less and pray recognizing that the Lord knows my innermost heart desires. And maybe, just maybe, the next time my phone says no caller ID, it’ll be the phone call I’ve been impatiently waiting for.  In the interim, I will rejoice evermore; pray without ceasing; in everything, giving thanks (for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you/me), quenching not the Spirit, despising not prophesying, proving all things and holding fast that which is good … letting the very God of peace sanctify me wholly!

“For the vision [is] yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.” (Habakkuk 2:3)

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